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[ website | Miyabi's deadjournal ]
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(no subject) [Aug. 20th, 2005|11:24 am]
anyone curious will see that I've decided to open a new journal, mandom. So updates on any future exploits, please check there.
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(no subject) [Aug. 30th, 2004|11:59 am]
I've noticed there have been a few comments to my last journal entry, dated...what? Two years ago?

I would like to direct everyone to my deadjournal at deadjournal.com. I update it more frequently, though rarely do I have a long, thought out (read: rant) post.

I've basically kept this journal for two reasons: 1) to comment in friends livejournals and 2) because I'm a meany-head and I don't want anyone else to have the name camui on lj. 'tis all for now, ja ne.
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(no subject) [Jul. 16th, 2002|10:23 pm]
Thanks, you know...thank you for this idle time you've given me, even though you told me you'd be on by now, unless by "night" you meant 2 am in the morning or some shit. I'm not all that surprised, but I can't act like I'm not pissed, and this happens too often for you to really be sorry, because I've often waited four hours when you told me two, max. I understand things happen, but really...why am I always treated like a second rate friend when you said I was one of your best. Were you just BSing me? No, I'm not going to see you tomorrow either, I know that...I've known that since Sunday, so I expect that, what I didn't expect was leaving to go afk and coming back around 6 and waiting four hours and not seeing you, all the time expecting that I might be able to voice some of the things and then, god forbid, we could actually RP for a change. I dunno why I even look forward to this anymore, all I ever do is wait.
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(no subject) [Jun. 25th, 2002|11:07 am]
[mood |enragedenraged]

I am so fucking SICK of playing his maid, I'm not his mother, and if I was I'd ground him for being such a dumbfuck, but he never listens to anything that's common sense!
I make something for lunch and tell him he can have some too, just make sure to rinse out his dishes and put them in the dishwasher (Because I ALWAYS end up doing it for him). So I go back down later, and who would've guessed, they're laying in the sink for ME to do something about them, like he somehow thinks they're going to magically transport themselves to the dishwasher. It's not even THAT hard of a thing to do! Just open the door and put them inside, it's so simple it's mind boggling as to why he can't fucking do it!!
Maybe I wouldn't be so peeved if I hadn't had to do the EXACT same thing the night before at dinner, and I've done it time and time before that too. He has to be one of THE most inconsiderate and laziest person on the face of the fucking Earth!
He never offers to help me clean up when I did something I wasn't obligated to do by making something we can both have for lunch, even when he ASKS me to make him something, even then he doesn't clean up. He leaves his dirty dishes in the sink where shit dries on them and it gets all the harder to clean off so he can sit on his lazy fucking ass some more. He never takes the dogs out, or takes the liberty to clean up after them when they make a mess. He doesn't take care of his own bird, he leaves his shit ALL over the living room, and I am FUCKING SICK OF IT!!!! Because I tell my parents to say something about it, and either they never do or he never listens, neither would surprise me much.
And now that he's being homeschooled this year, he's free to stay up as late as he fucking wants, sleep in as long as he wants, lay around, get the house dirty and play video games, because I'm sure as HELL he's not going to do his work. Why should he? He never listens to anything ELSE my parents have to say. So he fucking gets an easy ride for the next three fucking years and here I am, going to senior year, the LAST kid still going to school even though he's two years younger than me. I'm sick of it and I'm sick of him! I HATE this bull shit family, and people dare to wonder why I'm so fucked up.
I am NOT your maid you worthless piece of shit, clean up your own damn mess or let my parents do it, because I'm sick of taking responsibility.
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(no subject) [May. 28th, 2002|11:33 am]
[mood |annoyedannoyed]

I don't often update this, and right now I don't really feel like it. But I'm waiting and I'd rather do something constructive with my time here, on my dad's computer while he tries to figure out what's wrong with my POS computer. (It keeps freezing up, for no reason whatsoever).
Anyway, I've seen more of my friends this weekend than I have in a few weeks combined (outside of school that is, inside doesn't count, that's forced companionship because we're all in a place we don't want to be and it didn't take any effort to be there, we didn't make an effort to see each other.) I went places with Matt because I was bored fucking out of my mind, Val spent the night, and maybe....twenty minutes after Val left yesterday, Sarah came over. I feel weird around my mom and my dad, so it's not like I really want to be around the house but I am...right now, until Val shows up and we go to Borders. She's going home tomorrow, I wish she could have had a better time than I know she did, I wish I could have been able to make it more fun for her. What can I say? I'm a horrible host, but if she ever comes down again, I'll have my driver's license then and we can just get out of the house and do something other than just sit and watch my brother and his friends play Nintendo games all fucking day long.
I think I'm typing like Mark right now, with this senseless thought pattern underlined with self loathing and coated with a gossamer veil of "I'm okay, I'm all right, just let me be." I read my brother's deadjournal and I'm baffled, because I never knew he thought these things. I never knew these things went on in his head. For as close as we are, we never talked. I don't know anything about him, and vice versa.
I don't think he's going back to school next year, and in all honesty I think that's a piece of shit. I'll say it, I'll SAY it for fuck's sake because I don't think he reads this. He....probably doesn't read this, so if he does...I want him to know that my feelings on this are not jealousy. It's not that I don't want him to be home schooled because I didn't get that option, I don't think it's wise because High school, for the hell hole it is, provides lessons that cannot be found anywhere else. I think my parents are babying, coddling him. He needs to learn that no matter what the obstacles, there are certain things in life that you have to overcome, high school being one of them. It's a right of passage, and for fuck's sake we ALL have to go through it.
Because high school is the last and only thing my parents can save him from. There are things, worse things, that the future holds for us all. Scary things that we have not yet been presented with, and our mommies and daddies are not always going to be there to keep us close and wrap these lessons up in a box and dole them out to us. Life is not hell, but parts of it is, yes, and for most of us, high school paths the ground we will tread when we try to move on through and from these things. Keeping him from high school is delaying the inevitable, and learning how to react and deal with things is better done when you're young than when you're 21+. It's a foolish, foolish mistake, but can I tell them that?
No. Because my parents, and my brother too I suppose, are less goal oriented than they are fixed in the moment, the current situation, the current pitfalls and triumphs. They see no immediate merit in forcing my brother to go to school, or maybe they do and they can't convince him of that, so they are willing to pull him out. No, going to school produces no immediate advantages. I can look at my past year of high school, my junior year, and on the surface it seems as though I came through it with little learned that will help me later on, save for facts I learned in class, on math, history, lit...but you dive deeper, and you see. Those seven teachers are had a greater impact with what they taught and how they taught it than my mother could in teaching my brother, or a video could, because it's so impersonal. From them I gained a broader perspective, from each of them I learned a little bit more about life. And that's how things are accomplished, through experience, not through books. A book can teach you the same thing a teacher can, but the impact is far less profound. We're not just learning facts, we're learning how to learn.
I guess I'm rambling and ranting all of this because I know no one will ever listen to it. I can't tell it to my parents, I can't reason with my brother. This frustrates me, but I accept it. Inevitably, things will happen that you don't agree with.

I just hope that my brother doesn't end up fucked over because he didn't learn how to tell people how to fuck off.
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(no subject) [Mar. 21st, 2002|07:46 pm]
[mood |numbnumb]
[music |Gackt-Emu~for my dear~]

I knew it was too much to hope for, but what can I say? I hope for too much...because what you deserve is perfection, and I'm far from it. No, I'll always be a little too dull, a little too fat, a little too awkward, a little too geeky...I've never been perfect, though I've tried, and I doubt I'll even obtain that title, at least not while you're still around. I'm sorry I ever brought you down to the level of me hoping that by some far off chance you'd return the affection, it wasn't fair of me. So maybe I'm moping, let me mope...for now, tonight at least. Perhaps I'm being melodramatic, let me indulge in that melodrama, you have no idea how rare it is that I lend myself and my heart to these minute possibilities that I know are so far off they shouldn't even be considered, but this time it hit me too hard, too fast--and I hadn't yet built up the strength to tell myself "no". I let myself dream, and pretend, just that stupid kid that always got carried away with everything...with the illusions developed within my own mind. So perhaps I deserve this pain, for being so foolish.
I don't know why I ever thought that maybe I'd get my turn, that for once I'd be allowed to be anything but an onlooker, and actually practice what I preach. I'm tired of these dreams I've built up and this imaginary world I've cushioned myself with, but it's all I have left...and it's all that will be given to me. I know that now, and maybe I'll be glad--it's made me one hell of a writer, but right now I don't care. I don't want talent, I wanted you. I fell too hard and too fast.

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(no subject) [Mar. 15th, 2002|07:09 pm]
[mood |coldcold]
[music |Genesis-the lamb lies down on broadway]

I stepped on the scale last night, when I was home alone...and it read 122. I'm not quite sure why, but because of that I started crying. I don't know if I was happy or sad or scared, I've only got 12 more pounds to go before I'm "happy" (though it makes me wonder if I'll really be satisfied with that...I don't see any change in my body size at all. But let's face it, I'll never look the way I want to.).

On another note (though I've said this many...many, many times) I think my harddrive went south, my computer died...and there's no more parajournal :x! I just now realized this. I hate my computer so much, and yet I dedicated last weekend to fixing it. Maybe I should have left it alone and it wouldn't have died on me like this. Tambien...I also have a fever. e.e; not a major one, but high enough to irk me. I want to see pink elephants.

Joo..I hate when I'm mean to people I care about, it makes me feel more like shit than anything could. I need anger managment classes or somethin'.
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.... [Mar. 13th, 2002|06:36 pm]
::breaks into sobs::

You're "xif". Christ, you're fat. Call 1-800-02-Jenny. You need it. Pizza Hut is bankrupt because of you.

What internet slang are YOU? | by brit
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(no subject) [Mar. 8th, 2002|11:16 am]
[mood |sicksick]
[music |Pierrot-Freaks]

Mom: So why can't you eat for two more hours?
Me: Because...I'll get hungry later.
Mom: *pause* you know..I really wouldn't like to see you lose any more weight.

Why did that scare me? Why did that one comment make me freeze in my tracks like a deer caught in headlights, with no response whatsoever? I normally would have assured her I'm fine, but this time..I didn't have any excuses. I can't explain to her that it's not enough, that it won't be enough..that I want to lose 15-20 more pounds and I won't stop until I've obtained that. I've been doing a lot of thinking about it lately, really, more like obsessive dwelling on it. It would be so easy...it's not even like you need a lot of will power to do it. I don't starve myself, I'm not beyond reason..and I believe my mom when she says that if you don't eat at least 1000 calories a day that your metabolism slows and it's even harder to lose weight. I believe that so I make sure I eat that much, but I don't want to eat over that. Now that I'm not eating meat it's so much easier to just ignore food all together, maybe I'll keep it up.
Sometimes I scare myself, other times I'm proud of myself, and still others...I'm disgusted.
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(no subject) [Mar. 6th, 2002|05:34 pm]
[mood |angryangry]

I hate you, you heartless bastard. You could never fathom how much either.
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