||[May. 28th, 2002|11:33 am]
I don't often update this, and right now I don't really feel like it. But I'm waiting and I'd rather do something constructive with my time here, on my dad's computer while he tries to figure out what's wrong with my POS computer. (It keeps freezing up, for no reason whatsoever).
Anyway, I've seen more of my friends this weekend than I have in a few weeks combined (outside of school that is, inside doesn't count, that's forced companionship because we're all in a place we don't want to be and it didn't take any effort to be there, we didn't make an effort to see each other.) I went places with Matt because I was bored fucking out of my mind, Val spent the night, and maybe....twenty minutes after Val left yesterday, Sarah came over. I feel weird around my mom and my dad, so it's not like I really want to be around the house but I am...right now, until Val shows up and we go to Borders. She's going home tomorrow, I wish she could have had a better time than I know she did, I wish I could have been able to make it more fun for her. What can I say? I'm a horrible host, but if she ever comes down again, I'll have my driver's license then and we can just get out of the house and do something other than just sit and watch my brother and his friends play Nintendo games all fucking day long.
I think I'm typing like Mark right now, with this senseless thought pattern underlined with self loathing and coated with a gossamer veil of "I'm okay, I'm all right, just let me be." I read my brother's deadjournal and I'm baffled, because I never knew he thought these things. I never knew these things went on in his head. For as close as we are, we never talked. I don't know anything about him, and vice versa.
I don't think he's going back to school next year, and in all honesty I think that's a piece of shit. I'll say it, I'll SAY it for fuck's sake because I don't think he reads this. He....probably doesn't read this, so if he does...I want him to know that my feelings on this are not jealousy. It's not that I don't want him to be home schooled because I didn't get that option, I don't think it's wise because High school, for the hell hole it is, provides lessons that cannot be found anywhere else. I think my parents are babying, coddling him. He needs to learn that no matter what the obstacles, there are certain things in life that you have to overcome, high school being one of them. It's a right of passage, and for fuck's sake we ALL have to go through it.
Because high school is the last and only thing my parents can save him from. There are things, worse things, that the future holds for us all. Scary things that we have not yet been presented with, and our mommies and daddies are not always going to be there to keep us close and wrap these lessons up in a box and dole them out to us. Life is not hell, but parts of it is, yes, and for most of us, high school paths the ground we will tread when we try to move on through and from these things. Keeping him from high school is delaying the inevitable, and learning how to react and deal with things is better done when you're young than when you're 21+. It's a foolish, foolish mistake, but can I tell them that?
No. Because my parents, and my brother too I suppose, are less goal oriented than they are fixed in the moment, the current situation, the current pitfalls and triumphs. They see no immediate merit in forcing my brother to go to school, or maybe they do and they can't convince him of that, so they are willing to pull him out. No, going to school produces no immediate advantages. I can look at my past year of high school, my junior year, and on the surface it seems as though I came through it with little learned that will help me later on, save for facts I learned in class, on math, history, lit...but you dive deeper, and you see. Those seven teachers are had a greater impact with what they taught and how they taught it than my mother could in teaching my brother, or a video could, because it's so impersonal. From them I gained a broader perspective, from each of them I learned a little bit more about life. And that's how things are accomplished, through experience, not through books. A book can teach you the same thing a teacher can, but the impact is far less profound. We're not just learning facts, we're learning how to learn.
I guess I'm rambling and ranting all of this because I know no one will ever listen to it. I can't tell it to my parents, I can't reason with my brother. This frustrates me, but I accept it. Inevitably, things will happen that you don't agree with.
I just hope that my brother doesn't end up fucked over because he didn't learn how to tell people how to fuck off.